I have wanted to write and publish this post for quite some time. But fear crippled me from doing it. Fear of rejection. Fear of questions. Fear of being wrong. Fear of admitting the truth. Mostly fear of judgment, though. I do not have biological children, so I can only speak to what I know. And this is what I know. Read More
I seem to remember as a child, my maternal grandparents loved puzzles. I don’t really remember if it was one of them more than the other but from what I can remember there was a puzzle on their dining room table all the time. As a child, I didn’t really care for puzzles as much as they did. They seemed hard and time consuming with little gratification. Just like everything else, with time, my view on them is different. Read More
I have spent a majority of my life thinking I have something to prove. To everyone and to myself. It didn’t matter what I was doing, I felt I had to prove to myself for validation. I was focusing too much on proving my worth that I lost who I was. I was constantly focusing on proving that I was:
Worthy to be my husband’s wife.
Or prove that I was worthy enough to be my son’s mom.
Or prove that I can do hard things.
Or prove that I could run a marathon (which I haven’t yet!)
Or prove that I could do it all.
Or prove I could go to college.
Or prove I am capable of doing my job, a job, any job.
Or prove I was worthy of being a friend.
Or prove I was worthy to be called a daughter to the Highest King.
I was evaluating every situation to see if I would have to prove myself in it. Then one day I realized (thank you Jesus for the subtle reminders) I don’t have to prove myself to anyone. I don’t even have to prove it to myself. I am exactly where God wants me to be. I am capable of doing hard things, running a marathon or doing my job. I just don’t have to do it to prove to those people that I can do it. I can do it for myself. Because I want to do it, not because I feel I have to prove myself to anyone.
Do you feel you have something to prove? Guess what, you don’t have to live a life proving yourself to anyone. Don’t hide behind a mask, you have nothing to prove. Be who you are. Be you. It is exactly how God wanted you to be, otherwise he would have made you differently!!!
You may be wondering what Egg Shake Heaven means, but it’s actually a breakfast dish. Have you ever had such meal? See, every morning my wife and I get up and work out. After we work out, we make breakfast which is about the time our son wakes up. This morning, he woke up so excited because he wanted to make breakfast. He told me his plan which included the ingredients and process. Like any good parent after hearing his ingredients and process, I tried to talk him out of it. If you know my son, when he has an idea there is absolutely no way of talking him out of his idea or changing his idea in any way. Read More
25 years ago today my husband lost his dad in an automobile accident. My husband was just days shy of his 10th birthday. Here is my letter to the father-in-law, I never got to meet.
25 years ago today you were taken from this world and swept up into the hands of Jesus. From then on, life as many knew it, changed. Forever. Your wife lost her husband. Your children lost their dad. Your school lost a great teacher. Your community lost a leader. And I lost the opportunity to meet my future father-in-law. Although I have heard countless stories of your faith, integrity, strength, compassion and understanding, it feels as if I know who you are.
I am not going to tell you anything you don’t already know. This one is really for me. For me to share with you my thoughts, my feelings and my perspectives, whether you want them or not!
Let’s start with your youngest son, Jon. He is your mini-me. Looks just like you. Especially when he grows his mustache out for mustache day at school. He even is just as hairy as you, maybe even more. Not only is he your look a-like, he took up the same occupation, phy-ed teacher. Should have known he would have followed in your footsteps. He is about as athletic as they come. He missed the mark somewhere though, he is not coaching or playing baseball. Rather somewhere along the lines he picked up running. He is coaching cross country and track and is dang good at it too. Again, should have known, like father like son.
It’s not just your looks and your occupation that he is like you, it’s his personality that is like you too. He would open the weight room if he had to. He would be at every practice, rain, snow, sleet, you know name it. He would be the last one to leave and the first one to get there. He would give it his all just for his players to see that it can be done, showing them they can push harder, run faster, and dig deeper. He is you on and off the “field.”
He was just a kid when I met him. Now, he is a very talented, tough, reliable, witty, protective man that I am proud to call my brother. He takes care of us all, just as you did. Watches out for every single one of us in our own ways, especially his mom. I would go out on a limb and call him a momma’s boy and there is nothing wrong with that, I have one of those too! You would be proud, actually, I know you are proud!
Then there is my JJ. The guy who stole my heart almost 20 years ago. He is a little slower on the draw and only decided to follow in your occupational footsteps 7 years ago. Better late than never, they say! He usually has to figure things out on his own timing and that timing does not have a “fast forward” button. He too looks like you but he definitely got the Niles gene too! Now that he finally found his calling, I can see he has your compassion for the underprivileged. He would do anything for all of his students I know that, but he has a heart for those who are under educated, underprivileged and under served. He is taking education to the next level. Watch out he is a force to be reckoned with. He has your dedication, that is for sure.
Just like Jon, it is not just the looks that are just like you, it is the personality. He is a born leader, in every aspect of the term. He is compassionate, dedicated, loving, honest, reliable and a hard worker. Just like you. He is determined to change the world, one thing at a time. He too has to look out for his little brother and mom!
But it is not just those things that remind me of you, it is the way he is a dad. When he became a dad he didn’t just become a dad, he became something more, more like you. The way he loved changed. It grew. He is always teaching Jackson, explaining to Jackson, talking at Jackson’s level, motivating Jackson, loving on Jackson. Of course, we always have something broken in our house because playing baseball, running, and tackling are all acceptable behaviors in our house!
We were just kids when we first started out, not having a clue. High school sweethearts, sound familiar?! We grew up together. Fought some tough battles together. But through it all, he was and still is my solid rock, my foundation, my comforter, my partner through this thing called life. I have never once had to question his love for me. He makes it obvious, every day. He learned that from you. Again, I know you would be proud!
Then there is your bride. If you loved her the way your son loves me, then I know she was loved beyond all measures. I cannot and will not ever (God willing) be able to understand the depths of her loss. She is an incredible mom, one of the best I have ever met. She is an even better grandma! She fits the “JoJo” role quite nicely. You did well, Jeff, you did well!
And your mom. She has taken me under her wing more than she will ever know. She has taught me beyond any teacher, textbook or class ever could. She loved me when my own flesh and blood didn’t. She accepted me when I was “dirty.” She loved the “unpretty” me. Her years of wisdom, experiences and knowledge are what I yearn for. As a mom I now understand her grief for losing you even more. Her strength is what brightens my darkest days.
And your brothers. Oh how thankful I am to have them in my life. I didn’t know there could be men like that in families. Both of them. Raised amazing kids. Doing amazing things in this world. More importantly, both look after JJ and Jon as their own. And me for that matter too. It takes a village to raise children, so I am learning, and they have been an instrumental part of your boys’ village and now ours! Papa Jay and Grandpa Joel as Jackson calls them!
And our sweet Jackson. You would love him. He is funny, so funny. He is tough when he wants to be and sweet when he needs to be. He is 100% boy. He is also a little pistol! He has changed our world and the way we see the world. You would make an awesome grandpa, I just know it!
Coming back home has been one of the best decisions we have made. Not only are we closer to family but we are also in a small town, where the town becomes your family. We won’t ever be you, Jeff, but we made a promise a long time ago that we would live a life that closely resembles yours. We fell short many times, will probably fall down a time or two again, but we are constantly reminded of your faithfulness and fight to win the race.
I told you I wasn’t going to tell you anything you didn’t already know, but know this, I love you. I love you for creating two of the most amazing men I know. I love you for showing your boys how to love and respect a woman. I love you for loving Jesus. I love you for being courageous and bold. I love you for fighting the good fight. I love you for being you.
I love you.
I have fought the good fight, I have kept the faith, I have won the race.
2 Timothy 4:7.
Anyone ever play that game? I can’t remember if I have or if I haven’t, but I know how it is played. It is a great get to know someone game. I have also heard it is a good drinking game, not that I have ever played it that way. But the object of the game is to say something that you never have done and then see if someone else actually has done it before. For example, never have I ever eaten a raw egg. And then if someone in the circle has eaten a raw egg before, they either lose a point, drink, or however else you want to play the game. The person with the last piece of candy or the last point wins. For some reason, I was thinking about this game the other day.
Most of you know we waited almost six years to become a family of three. Six long, hard years. I remember the March before our son was born, we had a visit from our sweet friends and their then four children (they have six now). It was after their visit that I realized I may never be a mom. But I was going to be there for them. And for the first time in all of those years of waiting, I was ok with that. Looking back, I know it is exactly where God needed me to be. Being ok with His plans for our lives.
The cliff notes version of our friendship starts close to 13 years ago. We met at church. Back when they only had one child. Oh how fast life changes. We were active in our church nursery and quickly fell in love with their daughter. And then their son. And then their other son. It was an instant friendship. We spent every Sunday with them. We spent more time with them than we did with our own family.
And then their lives changed. Our lives changed. Forever. Their daddy died unexpectedly. I can remember everything about this time in my life. And if I can remember it, can you imagine how they feel? I don’t know what it is like to lose a parent. But my husband does. His daddy died in a car accident when my husband was 9. So, he understood what these kids were going through. He was there for them. We were there for them. And then there was a time when we weren’t there anymore. And it tugged at my heartstrings. I needed to be back by them. I needed to watch them grow up. I needed my kids back. I needed my friend back.
Remember that game I mentioned, never have I ever. I wish I could say never have I ever had to sleep with my best friend who just lost her husband. Or never have I ever had to watch my friend’s children lose their dad. But I can’t. And I did. And it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in this life, so far. It changed them. It changed me.
There is a happy ending to this story. Of course there is. God is writing it. I will save that one for another day!
But my point of sharing this story. Well, there are a lot of them, but mainly because if I were to say never have I ever loved someone else’s children like my own, I would have to drink or lose a point or a piece of candy. Because I have. I have loved someone else’s children like my own. Twice.
First, I love my son who was born to another woman as my own. Never once have I looked at him and thought he wasn’t mine. I never looked at him and thought how could I love you because you were born to another woman. I can’t. I can’t because he is mine. She chose me to be his mom and his mom I will be until my dying day. Never have I looked at him than anything less than the most precious gift that has ever been given to me.
And then I loved these children, all six of them, as if they are mine. I can’t say that about all my friend’s children. I wish I could. Don’t get me wrong, I love all my friend’s children. Just not the same. And certainly not as much as I love my own. It is not an easy thing to love someone else’s children as much as your own. But I can say without a shadow of a doubt, I do. I love them equally as Jackson. Not one less than the other and not one more than the other. Equally. My heart is split into 7 equal pieces.
Can you say that you have loved another woman’s children as your own?
When I was in algebra in high school I asked my math teacher (who is now related to me!) when I was ever going to use this? He went on to explain all the ways I could use math in adulthood. I am pretty sure I ignored him, said it was stupid and that I was never going to use it again. I hated math. I pretty much hated school. Sorry Ryan. It wasn’t you, it was me! Read More
Remember my post about my “word” for 2018? It was balance. Well this year I have coined the word “present.” No, not the way you are thinking! Well, of course I could always use a present, if you are buying! I mean, being present, being fully present. Not just with Jackson but in every situation I am in. Whether it be for work, school, or in the presence of our Heavenly Father! Read More