Guilt and Comparison

neon signage
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I know I told y’all that my 2020 word of the year was self. And I talked about how I wanted 2020 to be more about myself in an attempt to be the best version of myself. Well, prior to that I had something that has been pressing on my heart for some time now. As in, months this has been weighing heavily on my heart. I didn’t quite know how to write the words or if the words would even be perceived the way I wanted them to. So, here it goes. I don’t know who needs to hear it but I needed to get it off my chest. 

We and I openly speak more to women than men, need to stop feeling guilting and stop comparing ourselves. Ok. There. I said it. Guilt and comparison are slowly killing us. Well, at least it was, and sometimes continues to kill me. 

woman on bathtub
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I didn’t know how to stop the guilt. It came out of nowhere. It was a Friday afternoon and I finished work a little early. 3:00 instead of 4:30. Not a big deal. Jackson was going to the high school after school, so I didn’t need to leave the house to get him. I decided to take a bath. A freaking bath, y’all. Maybe it took 30 minutes out of my day. I immediately felt guilty. I looked around my house and thought, oh I should have cleaned the house. Or I should have done something productive with my time. But instead, I took 30 minutes out of the 1,440 minutes we have in a day, I decided to take a bath. 30 minutes. That is it. 30 minutes for myself and I was guilt-stricken. Who else in the middle of the day could take a bath?  Why should I be allowed that opportunity? The guilt was overpowering. I had never felt anything like it before. Was this the new me? Was this how I was going to react when I did something for myself? Oh no. Now you know why my 2020 word is self. I need to know it is okay to spend 30 minutes taking care of myself. 

I don’t know if you need to hear this or not but there is not a single reason on this planet that taking a 30-minute bath should make you feel guilty. Doing anything for yourself for 30 minutes, heck for any amount of time if you are asking me, should not make you feel guilty. Get it out of your head. Your time is precious. You time is even more precious. Find the time. It is incredibly important for your well-being, and your family’s. So you know what I did last week. I took a bath, TWICE in one week! Ha, guilt you got nothing on me. 

white paper with be yourself everyone else is already taken print
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Then something else happened to me. I was scrolling social media (I know bad choice) and I started to compare myself to what I was seeing. WHAT? What the heck was happening to me? I don’t care what other people do and I certainly don’t usually compare myself to them. I know who I am and what is important to me, why was I all of a sudden concerned about what they were doing or what they had and I didn’t.  And was everyone else comparing themselves to me? 

Let me make it clear. I am not you and you are not me. I don’t always feed my family organic food. I don’t always even make dinner for my family. I am not a vegetarian. We eat McDonald’s (usually only Jackson). We eat out. We don’t eat gluten-free. None of us have any allergies. I actually love to cook but want the time to actually do it. I use essential oils but I also use modern medicine. I work out almost every single day. Running is my therapy. But I won’t worry if I miss a run. Heck, I don’t even care how fast I am anymore. I love lifting weights but you will probably never see a six-pack in my abs. I love Jesus. I go to church. I teach my child to love Jesus. I also answer my child’s questions honestly. Even if that requires me to tell him what a tampon is for. I have an amazing relationship with my husband. We rarely fight. We have disagreements but that is about it. We make goals together. We talk about our future. We talk about everything. We go on dates. I somehow continue to love him more with every passing year. I don’t know what it is like to not have a supportive husband. He does a lot around the house. He plays with Jackson. He works his tail off. We send Jackson to his grandparents’ house. We don’t believe in spanking. We buy a lot of cars, and I mean a lot.  But we are minimalists. I can’t stand clutter. I do however appreciate a good pair of shoes. We live modestly. We live off of one income. I take vitamins. We shop at Goodwill. We use hand me downs. I don’t always list to Christian music! I get a massage once a month. I also go to the chiropractor once a month. We talk openly to Jackson about being adopted. I do not speak to my biological father and probably never will again. I have good in-laws, no great in-laws– so does JJ! I struggle with headaches every single day. We are working on fixing that but it is a process. I hate going to the doctor. I hate the dentist even more. I struggle with self-worth/acceptance/importance (hmm, wonder why my 2020 word is self). I have a family history of alcoholism and addictions. We go on vacations with my parents more often than not. We love to travel but don’t do it a lot because we are cheap! I have OCD. I am a clean freak. I have a plan to retire by 45. I work full time. I was never a stay at home mom. Except I did take 16 weeks off when Jackson was born. I work from home 4 days a week. I travel 113 miles one way to work the one day I do work. My husband plays dungeons and dragons. I have a two-year associate’s degree. I hated college. But love to learn. However, my husband is a habitual college attender. He has been to five colleges and earned five degrees. And is currently enrolled in two more. Come on JJ, no one likes an overachiever! I can eat an obscene amount of pizza. I don’t always wash my hair. Heck, in fact, most days I don’t even brush it. I can get ready in 15 minutes, including a shower if I want to. I can also take an hour to get ready!  I am on an antidepressant. I hate to use deodorant.   

when will you return signage
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That is what you don’t see on social media. That is the hard truth about my life, our lives. So for the love of everything that is holy, do not compare yourself to me. Or anyone! I am doing everything in my power to do the same. I am not you. I am me. I am exactly who God created me to be. Not you. But ME.  Let’s embrace it. Let’s be the best version of ourselves and not give a rip about what everyone else is doing. It’s the new “cool” thing to do!

self care isn t selfish signage
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One Comment on “Guilt and Comparison

  1. I have missed your writtings… and thank you for being just you….love the woman, mother and daughter you have become…now I’m going to take that half hour bath…..with lots of bubbles and my duckie

    Like

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