I closed my eyes for a few minutes the other day while putting Jackson to bed (I obviously was a little tired) and when I opened my eyes I saw Jackson staring right back at me. And then I started to wonder, what does he see when he looks at me like that? I thought:
Does he see the day old makeup still on my face? Or;
Does he see the bags under my eyes from the lack of sleep lately? Or;
Does he see the years of hurt waiting and yearning to become a mother? Or;
Does he see the amount of anxiety I carry around over him every day? Or;
Does he see the amount of worry I carry around everyday? Or;
Does he see my mistakes? Or;
Does he see my daily struggles? Or;
Can he see the way I love him? Or;
Can he see the amount of joy he has brought to my life? Or;
Can he see the way he has changed me? Or;
Can he see the way I love his daddy? Or;
What does he really see? I mean, really see.
But the way he looks at me. The way he looks into my eyes. I don’t see what he sees. At least most of the time I don’t. I don’t see it because I am too hard on myself. I don’t see it because I relive the moments I lose my cool. Or I relive the moments I wish I would have reacted differently. I see the moments I would not win mother of the year. I don’t see what he says because I can’t. I am blinded by what the devil wants me to believe. That I am a bad mom. That I reacted too harshly. That I shouldn’t have said that. That I am no good. That I am anything less than a daughter to the highest King.
Mamas don’t let the devil win.
You are a great mom.
You are smart.
You are beautiful.
You are powerful.
You are fun!
You are what they need.
You are enough.
What do you think your children see? Let them see that you are human. Not superhuman. Just human. Able to make mistakes. Able to be super mom one day and super crabby the next. It’s OK. Let them think it and let yourself believe it.