Not Ready.

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Y’all I just can’t express the amount of love I have for Jackson enough! But this mama is begging for him to stay little. Don’t grow up my little hamburglar!

So just a couple quick stories for you to enjoy a little insight into our household. The other day Jackson and I weren’t quite seeing eye to eye at bedtime (this happens often). And he said “fine then you can’t lay with me.” Of course I said “Fine I won’t.” Then when dad was done reading books with him he said he wanted me to go lay with him and I said, he said he didn’t want me to lay with him. I went anyways! It’s one of my favorite part of my days, laying with my arm around my little boy with the peace and quiet of the night.  So I went in there and said “I thought you didn’t want me to lay with you.” He didn’t say anything. I said “Were you tricking me?” And he answered with “Yeah, I was tricking you mom, you are now my best friend again.” Oh, Jackson, I will be your best friend forever (but also your mom!).

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Then just the other morning dad forgot Jackson’s book bag in his car, so we had to use a different one. Jackson got it all packed with what he wanted to take to daycare and put it on his back. He was so proud to be wearing that book bag and my heart sank. I am not ready for this. I even told him “I don’t think I can do this.” All I could picture was me dropping him off at school next year. How could this be happening? How could my baby boy be ready to go to school next year? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I will be that mom crying on the bathroom floor after I drop him off at school the first day of school. I just know I will be. He holds my heart in the palm of his hands. Of course I love watching him grow and learn and become his own little person. But at the same time this mama wants her boy to stay her little boy. Oh man, wait until you read the post I write after I send him to school, I am sure I will be one hot mess!!!

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And if this little boy doesn’t tug at my heart strings enough as it is, the other day while laying in bed (why doesn’t his brain shut off at night?) he said one of his stuffed animals was the other’s sister. Then he said “I don’t have a little sister yet.” Oh my heart stopped, I am almost certain skipped a beat. I said “No buddy you don’t, it is just going to be you for mom and dad.” And then he said “But I want a little sister to be best friends with and play with.” Yup, this time my heart skipped two beats. I froze for what seemed like a lifetime. I reminded him again that we are just going to stay a triangle. To which of course he reminded me that if we include the cat, we are a heart. And then he said something about the cat not being around (I think dad’s dislike for the cat is rubbing off on him!). And I said well they don’t live forever! Why can’t this kid just go to bed.

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I know I have wrote many posts about our failed adoption, our decision to only raise one child but these little statements from Jackson are sucker punches to the gut. We made the decision to have one child. Not because the answer to the age old question “Do you want more children?” is no. But because I don’t want to deal with another birthmom. Not that I don’t love Heather. I do. But if we adopt again we add another whole family to the mix. I have a hard enough time balancing all of the family we got! Or what if the next birth mom is not like Heather? We dealt with one of those already. Not interested in doing it again! What about doing artificial insemination again? I love the idea of that. I would love to be pregnant. But what if it is not successful? What if I get pregnant and lose the baby again? How do you then tell your child that the baby brother/sister they were going to have, died? Have you told your child that before? How do you explain that? I have a hard enough time explaining it to myself or comforting myself or my husband during that time. I can’t do that to him. So, as hard as his questions are, it isn’t happening. Unless of course God has some miracle up his sleeve. But as far as we are concerned, we are not pursuing it. The only thing I am pursuing is loving my little Jackson and being the best mom I can be to HIM!

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