Are you all familiar with that trend that started a few years back, by giving yourself a word to live by for the following year? So instead of making a new year’s resolution (which you can still do too, if you make them) you give yourself a word to live by for that year. Well I am going to do that this year. One, I am not a fan of new year’s resolutions and two, I need to change some things up in my life and this year seems like the perfect time to do it.
So, my 2018 word is BALANCE. I feel I have been on a teeter totter for some time now. Always pushing my luck. Double booking myself. Driving too fast from here to there just to get there on time (and most of the time I was late!). It has taken its toll on this old soul.
I need to balance being a follower of Christ. And I am ashamed I even had to write those words. This isn’t something that should come and go. This isn’t something that should need balance, it is something that should come first, naturally. And for some reason or another it hasn’t been first on my list. In fact, I am not even sure it has made a list of priorities lately if I am being completely honest with you all. So I need to go back to my roots. I need to go back to having alone time with God. I need to go back to seeking Him first. I need to go back to going to church REGULARLY.
I need to balance being a wife. Being a mom is something I wanted so badly for so long that I didn’t even think about what it would do to my marriage. I love my husband with all of my heart. In fact, I have loved him from the beginning. But day in and day out we work our jobs, we take care of Jackson and whatever we have left at the end of the day, is usually for each other. But it is minimal. In fact, we have had several conversations with other couples lately about how to keep your marriage alive so when the kids are gone and out of the house you don’t look at each other and say “who are you?” We have been doing much better at this. We have been scheduling more and more dates. Hiring babysitters (or getting the ones that are free– thank you FAMILY!!!). But it takes an effort. Whoever said marriage was easy, we lying to you! So, here is to a better wife.
I need to balance being a mom. I love Jackson with every ounce of my heart too. It is just a different love than the love I have for my husband. I always pictured I would be a certain way as a mom. I don’t think I have quite measured up to what I thought I would be. I lose my patience. I lose my cool. I don’t always react the way I thought I would have in my head. But I need to be a better mom. I need to take a breath before I speak. I need to look at the bigger picture. I need to be present more. I need to put my phone away. I need to be more intentional. I need to be in the moment, not always thinking about the endless to do list I have going on in my head.
I need to balance running. I want to run my first marathon this year but I don’t want it to consume me. I love running. It saved me in ways I never thought it would. It is my stress reliever. It is my alone time. It started out as my time to talk with the Lord. And if you read my paragraph above you will know, I haven’t used it that way but I would like to again. But I need balance in my life. There are only so many hours in a day and days in a week. I don’t want it to become a hindrance instead of a help. So, we will see what the year brings.
I need to balance work/home life. I never wanted a career. In fact, I would have told you years ago I would have been content getting someone their coffee everyday and taking their personal phone calls. But here I am managing a small law firm. Never in my life did I picture myself here, actually being needed to make this firm run. If I am going to be honest, he would be darn lost without me! And well the feeling to be needed is a good feeling it is also very foreign to me. I don’t know how to really handle all of that. But now that I found myself here I have to figure out how to balance it all. And lucky for me, I have an amazing boss who completely understands work/life balance.
I need to balance our time with Heather. None of us know how to handle this open adoption. There is no manual on open adoption. There is no special equation. There is no set boundaries. We are all making this up as we go along. But she and her family are a priority to us and we need to figure out how to balance spending time with her and her family and also our family. We recently spent time with a family of ours that has three adopted children, two of them are a sibling group. But each one of them has a different response to being adopted and having a relationship with their birth family. The kids are 16, 18, and 21. The older two are the sibling group and one of them doesn’t want anything to do with their birth parents and the other is looking for something she isn’t ever going to get. And the 16 year old just saw his birthmom (and her 4 year old daughter) and birth grandma just last year. It is amazing how they all have one thing in common, they are adopted. But they are still very much their own person and will respond in their very own way. So, we have chosen to have a very open adoption with Heather. I have no idea if it is the right thing or not but for now it is. If there is a point in our relationship when I don’t think it is the best thing for Jackson, we will address it then. But until and if that happens, we will continue to do what we are doing. In fact, we are picking dates for our annual camping trip just today!!!
And last but not least. I just need to focus on me. I will not be a good mom, wife, daughter, friend, co-worker or person if I don’t find time for myself and focus on being the best version of me.
So, here is 2018 and rocking the heck out of it!!!