Party on the Pavement-2016

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While we went those weeks and months without seeing Heather, we finally reconnected and decided to go to Party on the Pavement with them in Racine last year (we went again this year and there is a post about it up on the blog).  And, I think this is when our relationship started to turn again. And not bad turn, just turn back to where it was, or at least a start in the right direction. That, and this blog has helped unite us and bring us closer together. There is just something about having the 4 of them (6 if you include the 2 cousins, Heather’s sisters’ children — which yes, we believe are part of our family too!!) hang out together.

Magical. That is how I describe it. Thank goodness for dictionary.com, who defines magical as beautiful or delightful in such a way as to seem removed from everyday life. Yup, that pretty much sums it all up. Not something that is part of your everyday, but when you are together, it seems as though there is just something different about it. Not bad different, just different. Something magical about it.

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We walked around, we talked, we played, we laughed, we watched our children play together. We were simply together for the first time in a long time and it just felt so right. The kids all got their faces painted, and somehow they all chose to get “batman.” How funny is that? They all were getting them done at the same time, so they didn’t know what each one was getting. Too cute!

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This is when we thought we were still going to be having another baby (if you didn’t read about our failure, go back and read about losing the baby girl we never had here  Failure.) so I remember telling Heather about it. Heather had just had baby M (check out my previous post– Missing Each other. I also remember how “skeptical” I was this time around. The birth mom was nothing like Heather. This experience was nothing like it was with Heather. I even remember saying to Heather, “Well she is not you!” I know it is not fair to expect every relationship to be like Heather’s but I was dreaming it would be.

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And if I am going to be really honest (which I hope to always be on this blog- don’t take anything offensively, it’s just open dialogue) I was desirous to be a mother again. Not really jealous. Not really envious. Not mad like I would have been previously. Not sad like I would have been previously. Just yearning to be a mother again myself. Seeing Heather and baby M was great. She looked good. Baby M was adorable. Life seemed (remember, what things look like on the outside might not be what they really are on the inside) so good for her. Which is why I think I didn’t have as many “negative” feelings when seeing them but I wanted to be a mom so bad again, that I wished it was me. Wished it was us having another baby. At the same time, I thought I was going to be having another baby, so it made it a little easier to enjoy. I was just ready to be a mom again. Boy, do I wish I knew then what I know now. What is even better, is that whatever is in store for me ahead, Jesus has already gone before me. What peace and comfort that brings me. Knowing, I don’t have to worry about tomorrow, what I know, what I don’t know, what to do, what doors to open, what doors to close, Jesus has gone before me. And this, this beautiful relationship we have is all part of His plan. I will forever continue to give Him all of the glory.

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One thought on “Party on the Pavement-2016

  1. This day was the best day of my whole entire 2016! I agree, and I loved the word you used. It was so magical for me, too! Seeing you three after 9 months, having my family together, all the kids together, my parents, and my brother in law – definitely was such a good time!. I’m pretty sure I was smiling that whole day – and not a fake smile, a REAL smile!

    I couldn’t believe how big Jackson got. He was running, jumping, he was all over the place! He had grown SO MUCH since the last time I saw him! He had so much energy & he was such a vibrant, wondrous, life-filled little boy! I was just so amazed at how big he was – he was not a baby anymore at all! Jackson was so loving and open with everyone. & he wanted to follow Marvell and hold his hand, and Marvell was loving that! He was loving that Jackson was following him around. That was so sweet to see. I remember this day was the first time I heard Jackson say my name. “Hedda” as the usual 2 year old says it. It melted my heart! I was also mesmerized by Jackson’s voice every time he spoke. So strong and deep! I was thinking, “wow, he already has a grown man voice!” which was so unique!…

    The strong feelings of guilt, depression, sadness, failure all seemed to melt away that day, and I totally needed that. I was so grateful.
    I remember talking with you about the baby girl you couldn’t wait to meet in a few short months. I was so happy for you and was extra excited because I just had baby Michael, and our babies would be so close in age. Also, my sister was due with a baby girl right around the same time you were due for your baby girl. I was excited how close in age the babies would be and how cute it would be to see them get together in the years to come.
    The more you talked about the different circumstances of your adoption this time around, the more I sensed you were worried and not confident, and that scared me. I could feel you were SO ready, and I just hoped that nothing would go wrong. I just had a bad feeling in my stomach, and I didn’t want to see you guys hurt at all. I just wanted your dreams to come true and I couldn’t wait to see pictures in the months to come. I was so scared for you, though. The thoughts of Jackson comforted me, because I thought, “well, no matter what happens, at least they have Jackson. At least they have Jackson to help carry them through any pain if anything bad happens”….

    When I heard the devastating news, I thought back to this day at Party on the Pavement and wished I could have shared baby Michael more with you that day. He was strapped to my side, sleeping, almost that whole day. I thought back to Party on the Pavement and the conversations we had, and wished I would have offered to write a letter to the birth mom or SOMETHING, because I would have. I just want you to know, that I would write a million letters to anyone letting them know how amazing, beautiful, and special your family is. I would let them know how loving, understanding, and open you are. I would let them know that I understand what they are going through and would LOVE to be there as a friend if needed.

    Your faith inspires me. I just love how you put it. “Jesus has gone before me”.. That is really beautiful, Jessica!! & is so comforting!! God really does deserve ALL the glory.

    I’m glad our first Party on the Pavement together went so well, and we are making it a family tradition. Here’s an interesting fact – The year prior to this, I had so much anxiety while bringing my kids out in public, because of things that have happened in public before… In 2015, bringing my kids to Party on the Pavement seemed horrifying to even attempt. My dad insisted we go together, picked me and my kids up that year and made us get out and have some fun, and I’m so thankful he did that. Party on the Pavement has always been special to me since that first time going, and am just glad we’ve all gone together these last 2 years!

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