Heather was hesitant to respond to my last blog post about the period of time that lapsed before we heard from her again or saw them again. I didn’t want you all to not hear her side of the story. I want you all to know that we love her and have loved her since the beginning of our story. I may be 100% biased but someone else (a complete stranger to Heather) just said to me “she is a great writer too!! So I had to share!
This post brings me so many emotions. The strongest emotion I feel is Love. Jessica has been open and honest from day 1, and I appreciate and admire her for that..
I was missing them too, I just didn’t know how to deal with everything that was going on in my life. & wow, Jessica understands me. At that time, with no communication, maybe not as much. But now, with our openness and communication, she knows me so well and loves me still, and that gives me so much strength. I literally tell her everything now – the good, bad, sad, ugly, and beautiful!
Its 100% true, I disconnect myself during stressful situations. And being a single mom was so stressful.. Knowing that God is real, knowing that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. You might guess my whole life was just rainbows after knowing the truth. But, no, I struggled… When Jackson was inside me, I felt Gods love every day. I felt so loved and felt so protected.. That feeling seemed to slip away once Jackson was no longer inside me, and it was hard!
I was feeling forgotten. Seeking God after Jackson’s 1st birthday was hard too, because facing the truth in my life was painful. Every time I turned to the Lord, I felt conviction. He was opening my eyes which was great, but the truth hurt. & instead of accepting his love, I did the opposite. The feelings of shame came over me so strongly. I was bathing in shame, almost everyday….I couldn’t deal with how much I’ve hurt people in the past. How selfish, ungrateful, and disobedient I’ve been.. All the mistakes I’ve made. More than 2 decades full of sin, pain, hurt.. Depression is a real thing, and after 2 decades of hating myself, it was at its peak.
I continued to distance myself.. Its easier to try and hide and to just “not deal”, than to take that leap of faith and reach out in your vulnerability. Every ounce of strength I had in me went to my kids. My main focus was being a good mom. & every single day I thought about Jessica, JJ, and Jackson. They helped me SO MUCH, every single day, without even knowing it.. When dealing with my children, this thought crossed my mind everyday, more than once – what would Jessica and JJ do? I thought about that, because before I knew them, I realized that I took the opportunity and blessing of being a mom for granted. I’m just being honest. I’ve never been a “bad mom”.. But my love for my children grew and my eyes opened up to how I could be even better. I thought about how Jessica and JJ cried, prayed and waited for their son, and how God answered their prayers, and how Jackson is a prayer answered. How could I ever take parenthood for granted after knowing that? I couldn’t. My growing patience, love, and nurture for my children came from the thoughts of, “WWJD?”…. Constantly, and my mothering skills grew tremendously with them in my mind.
Then something unexpected happened, I started dating my best friend. Why I thought this was the best idea back then while I was going through so much? I don’t know, but it felt comfortable, and my children and I were so happy about it, especially Marvell. The same best friend who was the first to hear the news of me being pregnant with Jackson and who supported my decision of adoption. The man who my kids have loved for years. The more we talked about our lives, about God, the more we believed God brought us together. It brought me so much happiness I’ve never felt. We got engaged. We were moving way too fast, though.. Once, I felt God speaking to me through thoughts – “Don’t move so fast. Don’t move so fast. Follow me and get right with me first” -… Oh man, if I could go back, I would… but I can’t. I did not listen, and we did everything “our way”.. We weren’t being obedient.. I have been the most stubborn person in the world, and sometimes I cant stand it.
Do you know what happens when you don’t listen to the Lord? DON’T EVER FIND OUT, is the only advice I can give. My relationship started spiraling down so fast out of control and that happiness was fading away, and I was already pregnant – from the first time of intimacy. HOW IN THE WORLD WAS I GOING TO SHARE THAT WITH JESSICA AND JJ?
I was scared to even share that with my family! That was supposed to be the happiest time of my life – being engaged, welcoming a baby. There were bits of happiness, but mostly, I felt guilt because I knew I was living wrong. & the people around me were telling me the truth, and I didn’t want to accept it. My family and the members of the church I attended were telling me the same thoughts I could have sworn I was hearing from God.. I meant well, but I was doing everything the wrong way.
Then came more pain and shame…. I felt so bad for failing, and not listening. I was tired of it.. My family has seen me hurt over and over again, my whole life. I was tired of disappointing people. When Jessica and JJ continued to reach out to me, I realized why I distance myself from my loved ones when I’m hurting. It’s because I am tired of my family seeing me hurting from situations I keep putting myself in!! I didn’t want people to see me struggling anymore, or have to “explain myself”… & faking a smile was tiring as well… So, I just stayed away completely.
But, then, Jessica and JJ continued to reach out, continued to tell me how much they loved me. Wow, I FINALLY realized – I may be worthy of loving! (maybe?)…. & Jessica continued to reach out, told me she “Facebook stalked” me, telling me she was happy for me and that they loved me, and that made me believe that God still had his hands on me – all because they still loved me. God HAD to still love me after hearing that… I was relieved, and very glad she searched for me and found out what was going on in my life, because I honestly had no idea how to tell them!
It hurts me to admit this, that it has taken this long in my life to accept and realize how much I am loved. So many people in my family have shown me that same love that Jackson’s parents have shown me, and I couldn’t feel it. I couldn’t accept it. It took Jackson’s parents loving me unconditionally to realize what it was.
I see it all now, and I know how it feels to love someone unconditionally, and for them to still feel so unloved and unaccepted. & that’s heartbreaking.
I am grateful for the love I receive and now feel. All I want to do is keep growing, listen to the Lord, and unconditionally love myself and everyone else.
Our open adoption has done so much good in my life. I never want to even think about “what if” I didn’t listen to God speaking to me on that altar – about that special baby growing inside me. Jackson is so special, he brought me to the Lord. He changed my life!
Some things I’ve learned… LISTEN TO GOD!!!!. Trust him. Know that he loves you. Accept his love. Love yourself. Love others. Let others love you. Don’t distance yourself. Open up to the ones you love and who love you, and listen because they wont steer you wrong. Conviction is okay, but don’t dwell in shame because it will misguide you. Just DO BETTER, and if you need help – there is power in the name of Jesus! Read scriptures everyday – it gives you the knowledge you need! Seek fellowship, its so important! Your personal relationship with the Lord is the most important thing you can ever have. & if everything gets overwhelming, just take it one day at a time & trust that the Lord will work everything out FOR you!
Also, this is SO important – Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it.”
I’m happy, and SO relieved, that I have moved on from that chapter in my life and have come to love myself, and accept the love that God has for me, and the love I receive from all around me. It allows me to love differently & I am so blessed! It’s sort of like, I can finally start living now!
You know, God is just so amazing!
I, too, want Jackson to understand that he was created by God, and oh, how special he is. & his parents – are the most amazing people I have ever known! & they were his parents before he was ever created! I was just being used by God to answer their prayers, and through that experience, I am becoming the woman God wants me to be! I also want him to know, with the help of his amazing parents, that he has opened up my eyes to what “LOVE” is, and I am forever grateful…
I want my children and my parents, and everyone else who loves me to know that they were always more than enough. I’m sorry my eyes haven’t been open, but they are now. I’m sorry it took this long, but better late than never, right? All I have left is my faith, and I know everything is going to be okay.
1 Peter 4:8 “Above all, Love each other Deeply, because Love covers over a multitude of sins”….
How true & fitting, & now that things are different for me, less cloudy, darkness has been lighted, there’s only room for love. I’m able to communicate, even when I feel like everything is falling apart.. Everything is out in the open, I’m not embarrassed about my life, because I’m listening to God and making the best decisions. I’m confident in myself. I believe, know, and trust that everything is working for my good. & there’s no reason to feel anything other than that!
I think back and realize how many conversations about Jackson I missed because I was focused on the wrong things. How much I missed out on his life. I read about a possible medical condition Jackson may have had, and my heart just BROKE knowing I wasn’t somehow, someway providing my support, love, and kind words during that time.
I look forward to hearing about how Jackson thought he was “pooped out” at birth, or the things he accomplishes, or the struggles he may be going through. I look forward to it all, and don’t want to miss out on anymore.