We somehow ended up going months, several months without seeing Heather. Again, I don’t know how or really why it happened, it just unintentionally happened. I do know, now, Heather was going through some personal things and didn’t know how or how much to tell us at the time.
That doesn’t mean we didn’t try. I would send occasional texts or emails just reaching out, reminding her that we will always love her. But at the same time, we didn’t know if she wanted space. I cannot in my wildest dreams or thoughts put myself in her shoes. What if it was too much for her to see Jackson all the time? What if we were too much for her!? I didn’t want to pressure her into something that was too hard for her to handle. At one point, I reached out to her mom, just in case there was something more going on in Heather’s life. I have come to realize Heather disconnects herself in stressful situations.
We had a hard time “reconnecting.” Not in a bad way, just a hard time finding the time to get together. Then we found out Heather was engaged and was pregnant again (I may or may not have Facebook stalked her). In an effort to “protect” herself, I think part of her was scared or embarrassed to tell us. She had been judged enough in her life, she didn’t need us doing it too. I hope, now, she knows we would never judge her.
Now, things/questions have crossed my mind about this, don’t get me wrong. These are things I have not shared with Heather but if we ever had time to have an adult conversation without children around, I would say them to her face. So don’t think I am being rude here. But my first reaction was, you have to be kidding me? Not because I was mad or because I thought she didn’t deserve this. But, because I was afraid of how I would explain it to Jackson. I already felt as though I was going to have a hard enough time explaining that she “kept” two of her children but not Jackson. But now I was going to have to explain that she “kept” two, “gave” us Jackson and then “kept” another one. Oh man. I wasn’t up to this task.
But the thing is. I don’t have to explain this to Jackson. Why? Because if you haven’t learned anything from our blog, learn this, Jackson was merely meant to be ours. Heather knew it from the very beginning of her pregnancy that the baby inside her wasn’t hers. And that is the beautiful thing about it. Well, there are two beautiful things about it. One, it is our ultimate goal to raise Jackson to know he was created by the everlasting, every loving God, to be our child. That way, those things, those questions, they shouldn’t come up. He should be so secure in who he is and who his parents are, that they won’t come up. Two, we have Heather. It is that simple in my mind. Those hard questions (if they come up) are why I love open adoption so much. Because Heather will be there to answer them. And she has told us that she will be there for those tough conversations. It really is a beautiful thing!
Side Note: Speaking of babies being inside of people. Jackson and I were talking about the day he was born and lately he has been asking “what does that mean?” about everything. So he asked, what does that mean about the day I was born. So of course, in a 3 year old conversation, I try to tell him about delivery. We have told him several times that he grew in Heather’s belly. So, I must have said “pushed” in our conversation. And like a typical Jackson response, he said “I pooped out.” Oh Lord help me! We can’t talk about this topic again!
And that baby she had, he is perfect. He makes our (and I say, our, because we are family) family even more beautiful. And he too, was all part of God’s plan.
She may hate me for posting this picture– but isn’t she beautiful!