I know I haven’t posted at all this week but that is because I was debating on whether or not I should post this. I don’t want to offend anyone and I don’t want to come across as ungrateful. But here goes nothing…
Ok, this is an all out vent post, it has absolutely nothing to do with open adoption, adoption or our story. It is simply a vent on parenting in general and maybe a little bit about marriage. Let me start off by saying no one told me it would be this freakin’ hard (sorry for the freakin’) but dang someone should have told me. Well, even if you did I probably didn’t listen. It is sort of like when someone tells you that marriage isn’t hard. If anyone has given you the advice that parenting IS the HARDEST thing you will do in your life- LISTEN to them. If someone gives you advice that marriage ISN’T hard- DON’T listen to them. This little 3 foot something child of mine has changed me no doubt but I think he has also broken me.
Let me first of all say, I am not one to complain about my child. I longed for him. I dreamed for him. I hoped for him. I prayed for him. He was wanted, no doubt. And I don’t want to offend those who are still waiting, longing, praying, and dreaming about the day they have a child of their own. But holy cats, this parenting thing is nothing like I imagined!!!
There have been times when you will find me sitting on our bedroom floor with my knees pulled to my chest crying. Crying because I am frustrated. Crying because I hurt when he hurts. Crying because he said “Go away, mom.” Crying because I felt I have lost this battle. Crying because it feels like he has broken me down to a little crumb you may find under the table after said little 3 foot something child has spilled half of his food on the floor!
With that being said, I just want all the mamas and dads out there to know, that I think it is completely “normal” if you too are sometimes curled up in the fetal position thinking, what did I just get myself into, it is normal. Well, at least in our household it is normal. (Well of course that is in my most professional opinion!)
Okay. I feel better now. Just didn’t want you all to think it is all cupcakes and rainbows (we have watched Trolls a few too many times!!) here in our household! It may be the hardest thing I have ever done but in the mist of it all when I hear that same little three foot kid say “I love you mom” or ” I was worried about you dad” I can’t help but bring myself back to reality and realize I love this boy with all of my heart.
And then you catch a picture like this. A picture with the most purest joy on his face and you think to yourself, yup, it’s all worth it, every tear, every smile, every battle, every fight, every moment, is worth it because he was worth the wait!