Wow, Jessica. God is SOO great. I have so many comments about this post.
1. You are SO right when you say being a parent “it is all about your child”.. & to know that, understand that, and live that requires so much strength and love. & where does all of our strength and love come from? Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”.. I can’t, and don’t want to even imagine where we would be in this journey without him. After all, we are in this journey BECAUSE of him!
2. I totally just imagined you singing “Hit me with your best shot, fire away” and laughed out loud. You are so funny – I just love it!
3. I also love how close we have gotten this year.
****** I just have to share: for me, it was a combination of everything that you mentioned. My whole life, I had a BAD habit of “folding in” when I’m going through tough times. & In the past, I allowed myself to distance myself from you three, and a lot of other loved ones, too.. During that time, I would reach out sparingly, but got so caught up in my darkness, didn’t respond or reach out for awhile at all. You continued to reach out to me with nothing but love. Over and over again. You loved me unconditionally, no matter what, and made sure I knew that.. How STRONG & LOVING you guys were for that! & I’ll forever be grateful in my heart for that unconditional love you showed me. YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO DO THAT – BUT YOU DID! I want you to know I never stopped thinking about you all, I was just struggling SO MUCH with my self worth…But, as I was rolling through life everyday feeling like a failure and feeling weak, you would continue to reach out to let me know that you all loved me and that was never going to change.. God works in the most mysterious of ways. I was struggling with this little thought brewing in my mind that Jackson’s better off without me – that all I would do is fail him….& THAT IS A LIE!! & I’m happy that I have completely kicked that thought to the curb! Within the last year, I did realize a lot about my role as a birth mom. Between watching documentaries about adoption, to actually having the opportunity to hear a birth son speak. & as the darkness was fading away in my life, I was praying that I hadn’t destroyed our relationship, as I realized my role in Jackson’s life is extremely important and I valued our friendship. We all had went through a lot that past year, but when we reunited, it did SOO MUCH for me.. The mutual respect, understanding, and love that we all have and show each other comes straight from our God, I truly believe that. & then this blog you started – has brought us so close together. This blog has done SO MUCH for me, more than anyone could understand…. It has strengthened our bond, overall has helped my self worth when I needed a boost the absolute MOST.. As tears fall right now, I can’t explain to you how much I am grateful for the decision I made, for my eyes being wide open, for being Jackson’s birth mom, and having you and JJ as my friends- you seriously are role models for me!*****
4. When you bring up some of the struggles Jackson is having in life, it just amazes me. It always amazes me, because when you talk about it, I literally have gone through the same exact thing with one of my babies at one point in time. I try my hardest to remember everything I tried, and what was successful. It feels so great being able to help you in that way. Being able to provide that for Jackson.
Something that I have recently allowed to completely take over my view on parenthood is this STRONG fact — I NEED to be emotionally healthy in order to be the best parent I can be.. So, even though I believe you and JJ are ten steps ahead of me when it comes to the “healthy department”, I love to provide any reassurance I possibly can for you…. Reassuring you that I JUST KNOW he will overcome this struggle or that struggle just like how my child did….. & telling you as much as I can about the rainbows that come after the storms because they definitely do come… I spent so much time in my past WORRYING about my child (which all parents do – but i went overboard many times and drove myself crazy)…. I often thought that there was something wrong with my child, or that I was doing something wrong and was failing. That stress, anxiety, and worry was often extremely overwhelming for me, and definitely didn’t help at all. I don’t want any of that for you guys AT ALL! I am happy to provide some calm for you guys. SO, SO HAPPY to do that!
5. When our time together comes to an end, I just want to hang out more, too! I love spending time together. I love watching you guys be parents, it melts my heart and makes me feel proud of my decision. I love being in Jackson’s presence – just having the opportunity to watch him. He’s such an amazing kid & you guys are such amazing parents! I always wish I could talk more with just you and JJ, too. We get so caught up in the kids, of course!
6. That picture is so awesome, and definitely displays what open adoption should be, and as tears flow down ONCE AGAIN, I feel so blessed. I love how comfortable Jackson is with Marvell, and how he looks up to him. I love how Mya, (who rarely EVER gives hugs – ask anyone) made sure she gave Jackson a hug goodbye. Our story really is so beautiful, and Jackson is the core of it all. He is so special. & I’m reminded over and over again, how I made the best decision I could have ever made. & God has NOT failed me, just like he promised.
I LOVE YOU ALL!