I’ve been struggling with the words to write on this post. Not because it is hard to write about but because it is hard to put into words what it is like to be with Heather and her family. And not hard in the way most people would assume. I can imagine most of you are thinking, and I have even been told “I don’t think I could that,” “I don’t think I could see them all the time,” or “I don’t think I could have an open adoption like that.” Well first of all, all those questions and statements include the word “I” and having a child whether biological or adoptive should NEVER include the word “I.” It isn’t about you, it is about your child. But those questions and thoughts never cross my mind. It’s hard for me to find the words because my heart is so extremely full and I can’t seem to find the words to put those feelings onto paper. So, here we go, I will give it my best shot (as I was typing this I busted out in song “Hit me with your best shot, fire away”).
This past weekend, we went with Heather and her family to Party on the Pavement. Basically, Racine’s largest street party! This is the 2nd time we have gone with them and we have had this weekend planned for what seems like months and months. This year Jackson could say “Party on the Pavement” and he is still saying it and it is the most adorable thing I have heard in a long time! But of course, I find most of the things he says and does these days to be completely adorable (other than this bedtime issue we have been dealing with– see below!)
I don’t know if it is because we both have been through so much in the last year (different stories, but pain none the less) but I feel that Heather and I are closer than we have ever been. I don’t know if it is because she realized that she is always going to be a part of Jackson’s life or she realized that we aren’t letting her walk away from Jackson’s life, or the complete transparency of this blog but whatever it is, I absolutely love it. And in fact, I have a high suspicion it has to do with this blog. We both have been able to express our feelings and emotions about this relationship on this platform and it has been an amazing journey.
For example, Jackson has been having a difficult time getting to sleep at night and staying asleep at night (those details will be shared in another blog post because it is pure exhausting!) and I could not wait to see Heather to ask her about it. To see if her older kids experienced anything like it. And like clockwork when I asked her, she said, oh yeah, both of my kids have done something like that. She continued to text me for three days sharing with me stories of what her older children have done that are almost exactly the way Jackson has been behaving. It is like having a crystal ball for a friend, she just happens to be my child’s biological mom. She always calms my nerves and feelings when she tells me of these things. Why? Because most of the time I am freaking out that I am doing something wrong as a parent or there is something wrong with my child. And she always calms me down. She always has the right words to say. And her kids have always gone through the same thing and then she tells me how they turned this corner or that and it just makes me love having her around more and more.
But just like that the day ends and our time with them is over. The kids are exhausted and “acting out.” Jackson needs a nap, hard core and I just want to stay, hang out and talk some more. But as JJ, Jackson and I get in our car and drive away, I couldn’t think about anything other than how incredibly blessed we are.
Look closely at this picture. Jackson is holding Marvell’s hand as we walked from Heather’s house to party on the pavement. Up ahead you will see me, Heather pushing baby Michael and Mya and Cora walking ahead of us. It melts every ounce of my heart. And absolutely displays what this open adoption should be!!!!