Party on the Pavement.

21686181_10155791946429413_7435642467908535496_n

Mya  Jackson  Marvell  Cora

I’ve been struggling with the words to write on this post. Not because it is hard to write about but because it is hard to put into words what it is like to be with Heather and her family. And not hard in the way most people would assume.  I can imagine most of you are thinking, and I have even been told “I don’t think I could that,”  “I don’t think I could see them all the time,” or “I don’t think I could have an open adoption like that.” Well first of all, all those questions and statements include the word “I” and having a child whether biological or adoptive should NEVER include the word “I.” It isn’t about you, it is about your child. But those questions and thoughts never cross my mind. It’s hard for me to find the words because my heart is so extremely full and I can’t seem to find the words to put those feelings onto paper. So, here we go, I will give it my best shot (as I was typing this I busted out in song “Hit me with your best shot, fire away”).

This past weekend, we went with Heather and her family to Party on the Pavement. Basically, Racine’s largest street party! This is the 2nd time we have gone with them and we have had this weekend planned for what seems like months and months. This year Jackson could say “Party on the Pavement” and he is still saying it and it is the most adorable thing I have heard in a long time! But of course, I find most of the things he says and does these days to be completely adorable (other than this bedtime issue we have been dealing with– see below!)

I don’t know if it is because we both have been through so much in the last year (different stories, but pain none the less) but I feel that Heather and I are closer than we have ever been.  I don’t know if it is because she realized that she is always going to be a part of Jackson’s life or she realized that we aren’t letting her walk away from Jackson’s life, or the complete transparency of this blog but whatever it is, I absolutely love it. And in fact, I have a high suspicion it has to do with this blog. We both have been able to express our feelings and emotions about this relationship on this platform and it has been an amazing journey.

For example, Jackson has been having a difficult time getting to sleep at night and staying asleep at night (those details will be shared in another blog post because it is pure exhausting!) and I could not wait to see Heather to ask her about it. To see if her older kids experienced anything like it. And like clockwork when I asked her, she said, oh yeah, both of my kids have done something like that. She continued to text me for three days sharing with me stories of what her older children have done that are almost exactly the way Jackson has been behaving.  It is like having a crystal ball for a friend, she just happens to be my child’s biological mom. She always calms my nerves and feelings when she tells me of these things. Why? Because most of the time I am freaking out that I am doing something wrong as a parent or there is something wrong with my child. And she always calms me down. She always has the right words to say. And her kids have always gone through the same thing and then she tells me how they turned this corner or that and it just makes me love having her around more and more.

But just like that the day ends and our time with them is over. The kids are exhausted and “acting out.” Jackson needs a nap, hard core and I just want to stay, hang out and talk some more. But as JJ, Jackson and I get in our car and drive away, I couldn’t think about anything other than how incredibly blessed we are.

2017-09-23 13.27.25

Look closely at this picture. Jackson is holding Marvell’s hand as we walked from Heather’s house to party on the pavement. Up ahead you will see me, Heather pushing baby Michael and Mya and Cora walking ahead of us. It melts every ounce of my heart. And absolutely displays what this open adoption should be!!!!

Advertisements

One thought on “Party on the Pavement.

  1. Wow, Jessica. God is SOO great. I have so many comments about this post.

    1. You are SO right when you say being a parent “it is all about your child”.. & to know that, understand that, and live that requires so much strength and love. & where does all of our strength and love come from? Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”.. I can’t, and don’t want to even imagine where we would be in this journey without him. After all, we are in this journey BECAUSE of him!

    2. I totally just imagined you singing “Hit me with your best shot, fire away” and laughed out loud. You are so funny – I just love it!

    3. I also love how close we have gotten this year.
    ****** I just have to share: for me, it was a combination of everything that you mentioned. My whole life, I had a BAD habit of “folding in” when I’m going through tough times. & In the past, I allowed myself to distance myself from you three, and a lot of other loved ones, too.. During that time, I would reach out sparingly, but got so caught up in my darkness, didn’t respond or reach out for awhile at all. You continued to reach out to me with nothing but love. Over and over again. You loved me unconditionally, no matter what, and made sure I knew that.. How STRONG & LOVING you guys were for that! & I’ll forever be grateful in my heart for that unconditional love you showed me. YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO DO THAT – BUT YOU DID! I want you to know I never stopped thinking about you all, I was just struggling SO MUCH with my self worth…But, as I was rolling through life everyday feeling like a failure and feeling weak, you would continue to reach out to let me know that you all loved me and that was never going to change.. God works in the most mysterious of ways. I was struggling with this little thought brewing in my mind that Jackson’s better off without me – that all I would do is fail him….& THAT IS A LIE!! & I’m happy that I have completely kicked that thought to the curb! Within the last year, I did realize a lot about my role as a birth mom. Between watching documentaries about adoption, to actually having the opportunity to hear a birth son speak. & as the darkness was fading away in my life, I was praying that I hadn’t destroyed our relationship, as I realized my role in Jackson’s life is extremely important and I valued our friendship. We all had went through a lot that past year, but when we reunited, it did SOO MUCH for me.. The mutual respect, understanding, and love that we all have and show each other comes straight from our God, I truly believe that. & then this blog you started – has brought us so close together. This blog has done SO MUCH for me, more than anyone could understand…. It has strengthened our bond, overall has helped my self worth when I needed a boost the absolute MOST.. As tears fall right now, I can’t explain to you how much I am grateful for the decision I made, for my eyes being wide open, for being Jackson’s birth mom, and having you and JJ as my friends- you seriously are role models for me!*****

    4. When you bring up some of the struggles Jackson is having in life, it just amazes me. It always amazes me, because when you talk about it, I literally have gone through the same exact thing with one of my babies at one point in time. I try my hardest to remember everything I tried, and what was successful. It feels so great being able to help you in that way. Being able to provide that for Jackson.
    Something that I have recently allowed to completely take over my view on parenthood is this STRONG fact — I NEED to be emotionally healthy in order to be the best parent I can be.. So, even though I believe you and JJ are ten steps ahead of me when it comes to the “healthy department”, I love to provide any reassurance I possibly can for you…. Reassuring you that I JUST KNOW he will overcome this struggle or that struggle just like how my child did….. & telling you as much as I can about the rainbows that come after the storms because they definitely do come… I spent so much time in my past WORRYING about my child (which all parents do – but i went overboard many times and drove myself crazy)…. I often thought that there was something wrong with my child, or that I was doing something wrong and was failing. That stress, anxiety, and worry was often extremely overwhelming for me, and definitely didn’t help at all. I don’t want any of that for you guys AT ALL! I am happy to provide some calm for you guys. SO, SO HAPPY to do that!

    5. When our time together comes to an end, I just want to hang out more, too! I love spending time together. I love watching you guys be parents, it melts my heart and makes me feel proud of my decision. I love being in Jackson’s presence – just having the opportunity to watch him. He’s such an amazing kid & you guys are such amazing parents! I always wish I could talk more with just you and JJ, too. We get so caught up in the kids, of course!

    6. That picture is so awesome, and definitely displays what open adoption should be, and as tears flow down ONCE AGAIN, I feel so blessed. I love how comfortable Jackson is with Marvell, and how he looks up to him. I love how Mya, (who rarely EVER gives hugs – ask anyone) made sure she gave Jackson a hug goodbye. Our story really is so beautiful, and Jackson is the core of it all. ❤ He is so special. & I'm reminded over and over again, how I made the best decision I could have ever made. & God has NOT failed me, just like he promised.

    I LOVE YOU ALL!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s