While I am at it, I am going to voice my opinion about one other thing, sort of related to this blog and this journey. I don’t know where our society went wrong, but it is not ok to ask anyone, at any point, when they are going to have a baby. I remember being asked that question and still being asked that question and it is one of the most offensive, personal questions out there.
Yes, I want infertility, adoption, our struggles, etc. to be talked about openly. But because we address the topic or are open to talking about it. Not because you want to intrude into our lives or assume we are going to have a baby. It is very personal and for a lot of people difficult to talk about. But something like 1 in 10 couples will experience infertility. Those are serious numbers. We shouldn’t be ashamed of it, we should want to talk about it but we shouldn’t be put in an awkward situation when someone asks or says things like, “Isn’t it time you two have a baby? Or when holding someone else’s baby, “Having a baby looks good on you.” Or “You need to have another baby.” Again, it all goes back to every one is living a life you know nothing about or at the very least, you don’t know their inner personal struggles.
But while I am on this topic, I will just share one more thing. Jackson has brought me so much joy, I can’t even comprehend it some days. In fact, he has brought joy to pretty much everyone he meets. He has an energetic personality and a loving warm smile that just draws people in.
But I have to be honest with you all, the pain is still deep down inside of me that I will never experience what it is like to be pregnant. I will never feel the kick of a growing child. I will never feel the joys (and pains) of being pregnant and delivering a baby. With every baby announcement I receive, a part of me still yearns that someday it will be me announcing my pregnancy. With every pregnant person I see (which in case you haven’t looked around in a while, they are everywhere!!) I yearn to be one of them. I also have to be completely honest with myself and know there is a VERY good chance this will never happen.
And I am ok with that. I am ok with still yearning for something I may never have. Why? Because I don’t let it consume me anymore. Back when we were first trying to get pregnant or during the months and years of waiting for Jackson, I let it consume me. I let it control me. I let my wanting for a child take precedence over pretty much every other aspect of my life. Somewhere along the way, I have learned to accept it, accept who I am, accept that I am a mom (no matter how I got there).
Recently I was asked “what is your ultimate goal out of your blog?” Well, that is a very good question and it has a few answers. One of them being, I want someone to hear the words I heard along the way. We had and have an incredible support network. I cannot even begin to tell you the number of phone calls, long talks, and crying conversations I had during our “waiting period.” But I want people to know and hear from me that it is ok to be mad at your circumstances, it is okay to be sad about it, it is okay to question it, even just scream about it. Because I felt all of those. But I also want them to know there is happiness in the waiting and that the plan God has for their life is greater than anything they could come up with on their own. At least for us, it was!!
I also want it to be something Jackson can look at and know that he was not just the product of a one-night stand but was ultimately meant to be ours, right from the beginning. And I am hoping that these posts will maybe fill some gaps or questions he may have about being adopted. I am pretty sure there are going to be questions he is going to ask us,(and I know this is going to be hard for you to hear Heather) like, why did she keep her other children and not me? I don’t know the answer to that, not the way Heather does. And this is exactly why I love open adoption. Because I will say to him, I don’t know the answer to that but I know you can ask Heather. I will also say, it is my goal as his PARENT to make him never question those things. I want him to know without a shadow of a doubt that he was always meant to be ours. I am speculating that he will have these questions and I also hoping that we will still have an open dialog with Heather so she can help me along the way too.
And on that note, we will be spending tomorrow with Heather and her family and we can’t wait!! Enjoy your weekend, y’all!!