Let’s Get Personal- Again!

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While I am at it, I am going to voice my opinion about one other thing, sort of related to this blog and this journey. I don’t know where our society went wrong,  but it is not ok to ask anyone, at any point, when they are going to have a baby. I remember being asked that question and still being asked that question and it is one of the most offensive, personal questions out there.

Yes, I want infertility, adoption, our struggles, etc. to be talked about openly. But because we address the topic or are open to talking about it. Not because you want to intrude into our lives or assume we are going to have a baby.  It is very personal and for a lot of people difficult to talk about. But something like 1 in 10 couples will experience infertility. Those are serious numbers. We shouldn’t be ashamed of it, we should want to talk about it but we shouldn’t be put in an awkward situation when someone asks or says things like, “Isn’t it time you two have a baby? Or when holding someone else’s baby, “Having a baby looks good on you.” Or “You need to have another baby.”   Again, it all goes back to every one is living a life you know nothing about or at the very least, you don’t know their inner personal struggles.

But while I am on this topic, I will just share one more thing. Jackson has brought me so much joy, I can’t even comprehend it some days. In fact, he has brought joy to pretty much everyone he meets. He has an energetic personality and a loving warm smile that just draws people in.

But I have to be honest with you all, the pain is still deep down inside of me that I will never experience what it is like to be pregnant. I will never feel the kick of a growing child. I will never feel the joys (and pains) of being pregnant and delivering a baby. With every baby announcement I receive, a part of me still yearns that someday it will be me announcing my pregnancy. With every pregnant person I see (which in case you haven’t looked around in a while, they are everywhere!!) I yearn to be one of them.  I also have to be completely honest with myself and know there is a VERY good chance this will never happen.

And I am ok with that. I am ok with still yearning for something I may never have. Why? Because I don’t let it consume  me anymore. Back when we were first trying to get pregnant or during the months and years of waiting for Jackson, I let it consume me. I let it control me.  I let my wanting for a child take precedence over pretty much every other aspect of my life. Somewhere along the way, I have learned to accept it, accept who I am, accept that I am a mom (no matter how I got there).

Recently I was asked “what is your ultimate goal out of your blog?”  Well, that is a very good question and it has a few answers. One of them being, I want someone to hear the words I heard along the way. We had and have an incredible support network. I cannot even begin to tell you the number of phone calls, long talks, and crying conversations I had during our “waiting period.” But I want people to know and hear from me that it is ok to be mad at your circumstances, it is okay to be sad about it, it is okay to question it, even just scream about it. Because I felt all of those. But I also want them to know there is happiness in the waiting and that the plan God has for their life is greater than anything they could come up with on their own. At least for us, it was!!

I also want it to be something Jackson can look at and know that he was not just the product of a one-night stand but was ultimately meant to be ours, right from the beginning. And I am hoping that these posts will maybe fill some gaps or questions he may have about being adopted. I am pretty sure there are going to be questions he is going to ask us,(and I know this is going to be hard for you to hear Heather) like, why did she keep her other children and not me? I don’t know the answer to that, not the way Heather does. And this is exactly why I love open adoption. Because I will say to him, I don’t know the answer to that but I know you can ask Heather.  I will also say, it is my goal as his PARENT to make him never question those things. I want him to know without a shadow of a doubt that he was always meant to be ours. I am speculating that he will have these questions and I also hoping that we will still have an open dialog with Heather so she can help me along the way too.

And on that note, we will be spending tomorrow with Heather and her family and we can’t wait!! Enjoy your weekend, y’all!!

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And who wouldn’t just LOVE that face!!!

 

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One thought on “Let’s Get Personal- Again!

  1. Jessica!!
    I often wonder the same thing at times, “where did our society go wrong?”…. Many people don’t completely think to the fullest before speaking if their words could potentially be hurtful. A lot of people don’t completely consider all the possible factors. I’m hoping nobody intentionally hurt you with those questions, though. I wish I could take all your pain away, but I can’t… We all have pain, deep down inside, and I am happy that you are using this blog as a way to kind of set it free a little, and be completely honest about your life. It is very courageous. I also think you are an amazing person for taking to fitness as a way to cope when you were emotionally at your worst back then… That is so inspiring to me.. Also, I am so excited to see you and tell you how your blog has recently helped people that I know!

    Jackson is most definitely NOT just a product of a one night stand! (as we all know)… I’m not worried about him feeling unloved, unwanted, or down about who he is and where he came from. Firs and mostly, because he has you and JJ as parents. I know he is going to be greater than great. I JUST KNOW THIS!!!! He also has me. Forever and always, he will have me. If he has questions you can’t answer, I will always be here to answer those tough questions.
    I know I haven’t always been at my best these last few years, but I will make sure Jackson knows just how special and BLESSED he is, as much as I can.
    This is hard to write, but it’s honesty – all my children were born before marriage, 2 resulting from relationships, and 2 not – and they all have different fathers.
    For awhile, I was very worried about how Jackson was going to view me! Most people judge me almost immediately. But, just to be honest though, all my children are under the same type of circumstances, and all I can do is make sure they know I love them, have always and will always love them, and for my children that I am raising – do my best at raising them. & not worry. Just let the worry go, and have faith that everything will fall into place – one day a time.
    Jackson was a blessing from the beginning. I love him no less than the children I am raising. I’ve actually thought about him asking me that – why did I keep my other children and not him? I will tell him nothing but the truth, how it all happened, and how amazingly everything altogether led me to his parents. I’m ready for those hard questions, actually. (Ready as I can be)…
    My oldest son has already asked me why I didn’t keep Jackson. (He’s the only one who really knows and understands the situation – & he used to ask me SO many questions when I was pregnant with Jackson). He wanted a baby brother SO bad back then. I told him the truth about everything. & for a short while, he was jealous of Jackson – because Jackson has a mom and a dad who are together and with him everyday. He has always wanted that SO BAD! I taught him to not be jealous, though. Instead, be happy for Jackson. & he is, he is happy for him, and he loves Jackson a whole lot, and gets very excited when he knows we are going to spend time with you, Jackson, and JJ….
    I just want you to know that I’m always going to be here for all of you, for whatever you need! NEVER hesitate to ask anything from me – for advice, help, ANYTHING AT ALL….

    I mentioned previously that I haven’t been the “best birth mom”… but I’m doing my best. After I went to an adoption conference in May and listened to an adult birth son speak about his birth mom, and what he wanted and needed from her, it helped me realize my purpose as a birth mom. Seeing you guys a month later was awesome. When I’m physically with Jackson, I don’t throw myself at him because I don’t want to scare him or make him feel uncomfortable. (sometimes I just want to pick him up and hug him really tight and kiss him a million times)… I just don’t want to freak anyone out – especially him!!! (lol) When we were camping and Jackson agreed to walk with me through the grass, and while we were walking he looked up at me and said “I love you” to me… It melted my heart. I never knew if I would hear those words from him.
    This open adoption thing isn’t simple, it’s complex. The beauty of open adoption is that it can be as beautiful as you allow it to be. & I’m glad we make it beautiful.
    But, I know this quote that I thought of when I first started to comment:
    “Be kind whenever possible, it is always possible”
    I just realized I’ve written way too much now. I can’t wait to see you guys tomorrow!

    Like

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