Failure.

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I want this blog to be about the ups, downs, struggles, joys, etc. of parenting our son, Jackson. And I am sure you are all anxious to hear about how long it was before we saw Heather again. However, it has been brought to my attention that exactly this time last year, we were presented with the option of adopting another baby.

It is a really long story but I will do my best to shorten it and bring you what I feel are the important parts. We were approached by a friend whom had a cousin who was considering an adoption plan for her unborn baby. JJ and I had been talking about if we were going to have more children or not– here is a short story. We were driving to swim lessons one day and JJ said, and this is a direct quote: “I am open to the idea of discussing having another baby.” And what I heard was, “We are having another baby!” Fast forward a few months and we get this call from our friend. I didn’t think JJ would say yes so quickly but he did, so we started the process all over again.

We rushed to get everything taken care of in the shortest amount of time possible. Which meant we had to somehow come up with the over $10,000 needed to complete the adoption, get a home study done, get a background check, and be prepared to take on another child.

We did everything pretty much the same way we did with Heather. We went to all of her doctor appointments, tried to get to know her the best that we could in the short amount of time we had (she was 20 weeks when we found out about the baby). We thought everything was going well until we got the call from our social worker that she was looking at another family (we later found out she kept the baby) and our world was immediately turned upside down. We went from a point of excitement, telling all of our family and friends, including Jackson about the baby (at this time we had named her Julianna Grace), buying all new nursery items (as this time it was a girl), receiving piles upon piles of clothing from our family and planning our life around becoming a family of 4 to a life of unknown and feeling like failures.  We were confused and probably if we’re being honest, we were angry!

It was the weekend before Thanksgiving when we got the call. How fitting. Thanksgiving of 2016, I wasn’t exactly feeling thankful, I was feeling defeated, used, and broken. This time around though, I had a little boy watching my every move. While a majority of me just wanted to get on the first flight out of town, I couldn’t. I had to be strong for Jackson. I still had to be mom to Jackson. One of the most difficult things we had to do was tell our closest family members that the adoption fell through and we weren’t going to be adding Julianna Grace to our family.  We were completely devastated.

There are a lot of details that I’m going to skip, mainly because I don’t want to take my emotions back to those times, so fast forward almost a year later and I can honestly say JJ and I have grown from that experience, we learned from it, and we have a whole new love and admiration for the relationship we have with Heather. I know not every birth mom is going to be like Heather and I am thankful everyday for the relationship we have with Heather but it makes it even better when you go through something so terrible and Heather is there for you, listens to you, and eases your pain.  And let me tell you, it is still up for debate what is harder, losing a baby you carried at 10 weeks or losing a child you thought you were going to have at 32 weeks.

A few days after this devastating news, I heard this song for the first time.

Hillary Scott – Thy Will Lyrics

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PAmh3yvmzXs

I’m so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I got is hurt and these four words
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know you’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you’re God
And I am not
So
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will
I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
So
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees
All that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord

These words could not be more true to how I was feeling at that exact moment in time. I didn’t count it joy, I was brokenhearted, this could not be part of His plan, I was confused, I was hurting, I didn’t want to think, I couldn’t think, I didn’t want to understand but somehow through it all I too reminded myself, that “thy will be done.” I may not still understand or know what His will is but for now I will focus my attention on raising Jackson to know Jesus and I will focus my eyes on Him!

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8 thoughts on “Failure.

  1. I remember this day like it was yesterday; heartbreaking! So incredibly difficult to see your family go thru this. Yet, you guys did it with admirable faith that His plan will always be greater than ours. I will forever be amazed at your transparency; it’s truly inspiring. I love you dear friend.

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    • I too remember it like it was yesterday; but I also remember where He has led us to and from. And like you said, His plan is always greater than anything I could come up with on my own! We love you all dearly!!!

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  2. I just want to share one of the million reasons why I love and admire Jessica so much! When I heard the news that Jessica, JJ, and Jackson were going to be welcoming a baby girl into their family, I was so happy and excited for them. I could just picture it – all three of them loving, holding, nurturing this baby girl. Just a month before they received the devastating news, I invited Jessica to my sister’s baby shower (who was also soon welcoming a baby girl). I just wanted to see Jessica, hug her, hear all about their soon to be baby girl, and I also wanted to share my new blessing with her (my new one month old son). So here comes Jessica to the baby shower, arriving early – ready to help me in any possible way she could (I was throwing my sister’s party)… As we were decorating, she was telling me all about Julianna Grace. I could tell she was so excited, happy, and just SO READY to love this baby girl. I also sensed her fear. My heart was bursting for her. There she was, being the great woman she is, helping celebrate someone else’s upcoming baby with her heart and love on her sleeve, yet some fear in her heart for her own situation. JUST ADMIRABLE! I let her hold my new little baby boy as much as possible that day. I wanted to share him with her as much as I could. I just watched her hold him and love him, with joy in my heart that I could share him. She even was so excited to change his diaper. She was so ready for that baby girl. & I just knew she was going to love her with everything she had, just like how she loves Jackson.
    Jessica, I hope you know how BEAUTIFUL and STRONG and AMAZING you are! You love with all your heart, no matter your circumstance.
    When I heard about this devastating news, my heart just broke for them all and my heart stayed heavy for awhile. I was going through my own devastation in my home, but I wish I could have done more for them. I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed for their strength and comfort. I asked my family to pray for them. I was so sad for them, but I just knew God would cover them, and that everything would be okay. Now, here she is – sharing her pain in hopes of possibly helping someone else through their tribulations. She is WAY more than incredible, and I am so proud and honored to know her! Even better – she is Jackson’s mom!!!
    ❤ ❤ ❤

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    • Oh Heather, I love you! I was so excited to change his little diaper. Who is ever excited to do that!!! Only someone who yearns to be a mom, who was created to be a mom! I will also say, thank you for your love and support throughout this last year. Remember when what we always use to tell each other, “We got this.” It has become our motto, we got this, you and I, we got this!!!

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  3. Just so you know when you are hurting we hurt for you because we love ALL of you. I pray every day that God will bring THE child that is meant for you like Jackson. No matter what happens me and my family will always be there for you. That’s what families do!! Luv ya!!

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  4. Pingback: Party on the Pavement-2016 | Three Is My Happy Place

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