If you haven’t seen Heather’s reflection to yesterday’s blog post, I have added it here. She adds another dimension to my love for 3’s, FAITH, HOPE & LOVE!!!
I’ve been reminiscing on all these wonderful memories while reading Jessica’s blog – laughing and crying as I read each post. After reading Part “3” on Jackson’s birth, the feelings of gratitude and clarity of our meaningful relationship just hit me like lightning. & it was SO needed (for me) – and powerful.
Our story is amazing for so many different reasons, but the core of it all is God.
GOD SHOWED UP AND SHOWED OUT the moment this little boy was created – to the point where I absolutely cannot deny there is a living God!
Everyone has a testimony or testimonies, and I’m feeling called to share this one RIGHT NOW —-
Back then, I was SO LOST!! One night, I’m crying myself to sleep thinking about how I’m going to (selfishly) go and terminate my pregnancy. But, God had different plans and he was working his plans through so many different people around me.
Tracie Cook kept calling me to come to church with her (and to be completely honest, I thought it was annoying at the time). Church was the LAST place I wanted to go at that point. For “some reason” I went, and in those 2 hours, God did something to me that is very hard to put into words, but he made a believer out of me. He is SO mighty. He had me crying on my knees at an altar in front of so many people I didn’t even know.
Then he gave me this incredibly strong vision that I couldn’t shake if I tried – that I was to carry this child for a family that was going to raise him up appropriately from day 1 as a CHILD OF GOD.
The vision was so clear and exquisite, I was shaking. In those hours, I was frightened and I questioned him – “Really? This is what you want me to do? How am I going to be able to do this?” I had felt so weak the night before, but left church that day with a new purpose driven by a higher power.
One week after God spoke to me, I told my mother, Grammie Kme, what happened and what my plans were. At first, she maybe thought I was crazy…. but I think she knew how serious I was as she watched me get baptized in front of a crowd with this little baby inside of me (that very same day). She then became my #1 support person through it all.
I searched through families for months. & I didn’t like any of them. It was so hard. Nobody felt right. AT ALL!
(I even declined meeting with people willing to pay me BIG money! Nope, I had to listen to God)..
My cousin, Kristi Moriarity, gracefully led me to LSS, where I found the parents of my child (JJ & Jessica) and knew right away they were “the ones”….
God put that into my heart almost immediately.
Through the whole time I carried Jackson, God was right on time for every single need. I was constantly overwhelmed with emotions throughout my whole pregnancy. When I would start to cry myself to sleep at night, it felt like an angel wrapped its wings around me every single time. (seriously) I’d stop crying, and I was able to sleep peacefully and woke up with an amazing amount of strength inside of my soul.
My sister, Jamie Myers, was there to calm me down when it became “real” to me after feeling the first kick inside – a humbling moment I’ll never forget.
My whole entire family and work family showed me all the support in the world.
& Jessica Heesch and JJ Heesch were there through it ALL as God molded our relationship with every single meeting, appointment, text, email, or call!!!
Jackson’s birth was the most life changing event of my life.
The “3” days we were in the hospital, God continued to mold our relationship to be even stronger.
When I left the hospital, with my father David Mitchell, there were very few words on that car ride home, because no words were needed.
The feeling of emptiness was subdued with the enormously powerful feelings of these “3” things – FAITH, HOPE, & LOVE.
As I think about that moment sitting in that church crying my eyes out to the Lord because I was SCARED about what he was clearly TELLING me to do, he immediately put in my heart that he was going to be there.
I didn’t have to worry.
I didn’t have to question him.
I didn’t have to be afraid.
I just had to follow him. & I did.
When I came home with no baby, my grandma, Ruth Mitchell, was there for me for days. Every morning with a coffee, reading material, helping hands, and an open ear and heart, doing anything she could to keep me sane. (and she did keep me sane)
My friend Lakisha James was there for me at night after I’d put my kids to sleep and I was scared to be alone (and she was right across the hall – how convenient, always with open arms).
Anywhere I turned, I had what I needed.
I came out a better woman, a better mother, a better everything.
I was never left abandoned.
The most amazing feelings I’ve ever felt in my LIFE came from PLEASING GOD.
Nothing has been greater, and believe me – I have searched everywhere.
Fast Forward to…..
“3” years later….. so much has changed, but that foundation of FAITH, HOPE & LOVE has not.
I’ve had good days, and I’ve had bad days, but I’ve struggled with my faith A WHOLE LOT.
Through it all, I can honestly say that I haven’t been the best birth mom for Jackson. Even though I always loved and missed those “3” so much, I didn’t know how to show it. How do I be a good “birth mom”, when I struggle everyday just to be a good “real mom”…
I would go months without checking on Jackson or speaking to Jessica and JJ. I struggled so much with my self worth. Sometimes, I’d wonder if it was better off that I just leave them alone and not pollute them or Jackson with my ridiculousness. People have called me “less of a woman” because of my decision (obviously people I shouldn’t worry about). I struggled with motherhood, and how I maybe should have given my other children better lives than what I have given them. I was just going through a lot in “my world”, and hibernated myself from what truly mattered.
Well… it’s evident to me that those “3” are a HUGE part to what “truly matters” to me, on top of the rest of my loved ones. They have been nothing but loving, supportive, strong influences in my life. They have shown me unconditional Love, no matter what.
This last year has been very difficult for me. I’ve been tested like I’ve never thought I’d be tested. Of course, God continues to work, even when my eyes are closed and my ears are shut. The beginning of this summer, my mother set up a camping trip with these “3” amazing people in my life. I was excited, but nervous. It felt like forever since I’ve seen them, and I was (emotionally) at my lowest at the time.
“3” days with my family members and these “3” special people came right on time, because it made me realize so much. More importantly, it made me remember my importance, my strength, and my faith in GOD.
Life is not about hiding, (especially from GOD & the people you love). It’s not about trying your hardest to hide your problems, or just hide from everything until they are solved. That never works!
Instead, it’s about trusting that GOD is going to be there to lift us up through it ALL. TOGETHER.
(I promise you- you can’t do this thing called life alone)
He works in the most mysterious of ways. Jessica started this blog, for her own personal reasons. & In just a short time, she has ignited that fire inside my soul. That same fire, that I believe, I allowed to fade after Jackson was born. For the 9 months Jackson was inside me, I listened to God all day long. I talked to God all day long. I read his word every night before I fell asleep. I prayed constantly. He always gave me what I needed AND MORE.
NOW, This fire inside my soul has me questioning, “Why did I stop?” – Why did I stop listening after listening for so long and so hard?
HE WASN’T DONE. He was just beginning! THERE IS NEVER AN “END” TO GOD’S GREATNESS.
I am WAY too blessed to be stressed!
To have the family and friends that I have. The ones who have been there – at my worst, at my best, at my highs, at my lows, thru ups and downs.. & still put up with me!
I have “3” amazing people in my life – who provide this immense amount of foundation and purpose for me. A foundation that is based on GOD’s love. An understanding that I don’t ever have to question. A relationship so inspiring and motivating.
I have “3” amazing little babies who wake me up every single day, and keep me going. Day in & Day out – “3” strong, happy, silly, smart, wonderful kids who need me. They need the best of me. The best mom in me.
I’m great, but I can be better.
I’m strong, but I can be stronger.
I’m an amazing woman, but I can be EVEN MORE AMAZING to others.
A better woman, mother, sister, daughter, grandaughter, and friend.
God hasn’t left me, he’s been right here next to me all along.
I’m alive, right?
I’m done giving up, but I’m ready to LET GO.
I can’t do it on my own, and I’m ready to LET GOD.
I’m done running from the ones I love, because I never know how much time we have & I need them ALL!! (& maybe they need me too?)
I’m tired of feeling regretful, and the only thing I regret in these last “3” years is swaying away from the Lord, when he was just getting used to using me!
Through everything I’ve been through, I’m tired of a lot of things.
Tired of fear, tired of hurting, tired of thoughts that try to control me, i’m tired of bad habits.
I’m tired of feeling not good enough.
I’m just tired, and I’m ready.
I’m ready to lift it ALL up to the Lord and BE STILL.
Don’t worry & JUST BE STILL…..
& have FAITH that with God, I will overcome.
& keep HOPE that everything will work out the way it’s supposed to,
& LOVE LOVE LOVE like I’ve never loved before.
I know I’ve changed Jessica, JJ, and Jackson’s world with the decision I’ve made.
The truth is, they have changed everything for me – my world spins differently because of my “3 Js”……
and they make me BETTER for my special “3” at home.
I’m not sure what God’s plans are – For anyone.
I do know that we are all special, though. All of us are.
It doesn’t matter your circumstances, your positions in life.
It doesn’t matter where you’ve been or what you’ve done.
God is MIGHTY, & he is POWERFUL!!!
If you feel God calling on you, listen.
You could never imagine what amazing things he has in store for you or anyone else, if you just listen!
God’s love is the best love I’ve ever witnessed.
& I got desire burning in me to please him!
Go and check out the blog “Three is My Happy Place” if you want to keep up on our story from Jessica’s view as being a mother in an open adoption. She is an astonishing woman!
Take Care & God Bless!!